Honoring fear
I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling immense pressure. The house is dark, everyone’s fast asleep and here I am feeling like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, expanding like a blue balloon. Only, it’s not a balloon, it’s a seed moment to the likes of Anais Nin:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
I’ve been avoiding my biggest project because of deep, knee buckling fear. I realized this morning that I can no longer avoid it. The truth is I’m not in the best or healthiest shape and it’s really time to change. Ugh. I’m scared for many reasons. I realize I can’t be the same person I’ve been if I want to get to where I’m going. For the longest time I have been a cozy little seed, living in the inside of my protective shell, insulated from my exterior world.
Let me tell you, my little seed pod is PERFECT. I custom made it during the last 15 years, perfectly tailoring it to fit into my my world. Friends, family, work, this little seed pod of mine could fit in, blend in, and get along with everyone and anyone in my day to day life. It kept me safe, accepted, loved, and acknowledged.
You can imagine my terror at the thought of having to now burst through this pod I’ve so meticulously crafted. Ugh. Oddly enough the pressure I feel is getting to be more painful than the terror that’s been keeping me in my pod these last few months. Double ugh. Ugh all around.
At the same time, I’m reminded of my journey by various synchronous events. Growing up in the trades, I was surrounded by frightening stuff- scary people with tempers who say outrageous things, dangerous machinery, hazardous surroundings everywhere. I was in the belly of the beast and the biggest thing that got me through was honoring that beast.
Honor:
a: good name or public esteem : reputation
b: a showing of usually merited respect : recognition
2: privilege
3: a person of superior standing—now used especially as a title for a holder of high office
4: one whose worth brings respect or fame : credit
What got me through the scary was honoring the scary- the scary people, the scary machines, the scary environment. By honoring the beast(s) I was admitting the existence and truth of their formidable esteem, respect, superior standing, and worthiness. Anyone ever heard of a worthy opponent? *gulp*
The truth is, all of these scary things do have power. The scary guys who yell can emotionally bite my head off. The scary big machines and environment can physically harm me. It would place me at high risk if I did not acknowledge and respect the sheer power of all of these these forces, no matter how much I may or may not have liked them. To acknowledge is to accept. To accept is to surrender. To surrender is to let go of any resistance so that you may flow through the toughest moments as gracefully as you can.
Honoring something or someone doesn’t mean you have to like, love, or be buddy-buddy with it. However, no matter what you honor, by doing so, you acknowledge the worthiness in whatever your encountering. The deeper truth is that there is a place for the things you encounter, good or bad, because they exist. That takes a lot of surrendering and unpacking which will be done over time.
Chances are there have been times in your life where you’ve felt low, guilty, ashamed, or like a beast yourself. Imagine if during that time, someone came along and, truly from the authentic heart, acknowledged your worthiness, showing you respect and high esteem. How would that cause you to feel in your dark moment?
Honor melts barriers and walls, causing the beast to step aside and reveal treasure.
So here I am, writing this post to honor the fear I’m feeling towards wanting to get healthy and have a beautiful body so that I may enjoy it for years to come. I don’t really like my situation at this moment, if I’m honest. There is a part of me happy as a clam, resisting the change. However, I know that this is the next step and stopping at this point would be tragic. *sigh*
with heart,
e.